Fathers...how many of us had them??

Fathers day is approaching and Barak Obama has written an Essay on being a father.. you can read an excerpt here
I was fortunate in that I grew up with both parents and they had a happy marriage. My own children were not so fortunate in that I don't think they ever really felt the benefits of living with both parents, as when we were together, they were still quite young, and if I were happy I would still be there!

Personally, I think I was right to take the decision I took as I don't subscribe to the 'any father is better than no father' school of thought...but they may never really know.. and they shouldn't have to I guess.

I do wonder about men though and why( if they grew up without a father ) they would repeat the pattern.

I don't believe you should remain in an unhappy relationship because you have children - but the love you have for them should fuel you to be the best parent you can be regardless of your location.

Women are commonly blamed.. often accused as using the children as a stick to beat men with when things go wrong... but we need balance.. we need to acknowledge the fact that that there are some men that if.. the woman no longer loves them, or wants to remain in a relationship with them, they will (perhaps out of spite) refuse to help out or play their part!

However...I'm begining to think that women hold the key to the solution.

I for one could never, and will never date a man who is not a good father. There is no greater turn on for me than a good father. (slight exaggeration.. but you know what I mean!!) If he has children, I need to know that he's there for them , and if he doesn't have his own, I need to know he has the qualities that should he ever choose to be, he would be a great father.

I have children. Grown up yes, but they are, and will always be, my children. I will therefore need to know that my man will be a good, positive influence around them .. a decent kind of man that they can and will respect, as he respects not only me, and them... but himself and others also.

'Bad fathers' in my opinion are lost men. Men who have stalled in their personal and spiritual development and need a helping hand. Some are too stubborn perhaps to seek help, others may think it's cool to be 'worthless'

It is said that absentee fathers are more prevalent in the black community... if that is true, there may be reasons for this. For example, black men have been systematically marginalised, blighted by racism, failed by an education system that (in the 70's especially) was unable to comprehend cultural differences. They have felt the 'strong arm..and foot of the 'law'.. endured sus laws and stop and search, they are less likely to secure well paid jobs, are therefore often significantly disavantaged economically which can impact on their ability to fully embrace the role as head of a family .

Perhaps...

For despite all the bullshit.

I still refuse to believe that the colour/shade of your skin, can determine your ability to be a father...men are not powerless!!

No..men need to ask themselves some very searching questions.
Women too..

Questions like..
Is this the man I would like to be the father of my children?..
Would I like my son to grow up to be like this man..?
If this woman gets pregnant can I afford to support her emotionally and financially?
Would I even want too?

Experience can teach us wisdom, our 'mistakes' are not necessarily mistakes but an opportunity for growth and to discover who we really are..

Either way, as fathers day approaches it will be bittersweet in that my own 'children' - despite the fact that they see their fathers, will have missed out on a full time dad...and despite being loved, and even in the knowledge that as time goes by they will have a positive male around them, good friends, and a happy mum

I'm sure a part of them always wonder.. what if ?!?
What did .. I miss??