I had chat recently about racism men, women and relationships.
A black man’s journey in the UK is very different to that of a woman... was the thrust of the debate.
It was mentioned that Black women need to understand this, and support their men more, but a combination of feminism, a nice pay check, and the pill, have ensured that the demands of women have changed... considerably.
In times gone by, women and men worked as a team
More recently though in some cases it’s more of a battle.
It was mentioned that perhaps women aren't as loving as before...less tolerant. .. not as understanding.. demanding... unaware.
I’m not sure if it’s really that possible to generalise to that extent ( as I know of many loving women.. just waiting in some cases for an opportunity to express it) but I would say that more awareness of the pressures of being black in the UK.. especially for men ( yes.. even now) wouldn’t hurt.
To be fair there are many that feel unaffected... are unaffected... but, it wouldn’t take much for them to be... affected. In other words... it’s not always a class issue.
Perhaps (it was stated) a better understanding of the ways in which black men, and black women are treated. (at the very least, perceived)...differently... may help relations; the home, again, providing a safe haven, and a place to gather strength and recharge the batteries.. not a place for a barrage of criticism
The irony (if there is one) is that in the cases of 'us' women who will not tolerate an unemployed British born black man for example, ‘we’ would consider a passport seeking yardman or some such....
Why is that?
( must be the charm)
The debate left me with much to think about...
My role is not to even ever attempt to dis empowered, but at the very least...to be aware...
Maybe all we really need to be .. is aware.
The traps ( if i can call them that for a mo) are out there
To be fair there are women who seek purely high earning men just as there are men who do the same... perhaps. But the debate was really about something far deeper than that.
Gone should be the days when it’s the highest earner who retains the power.. be they man or woman. The strength of a woman it was felt, lies in her mind, and her ability to love.
A woman, it was felt.. should embrace her strengths.
*Thoughts were a mixture of men and women
its a complicated divide. do I think black women are less understanding? no, but I've recently sensed a lowering in the expectations of black men. quite if the greater independence is as a result of this I can't say, but as you pointed out other factors play. Then there's aspects of the benefit system.
ReplyDeleteI've got a friend who a couple of years ago turfed her guy the moment she had her baby from him, on some sperm donor business. "he ain't doing nothing for me, ain't working, worthless", didn't even put the breddah's name on the birth certificate. Her thing is she can claim child allowance and other benefits while working part time. I begrudgingly agreed and understood a key problem faced. If your responsibility as a father can be removed by the state ..
as you say those "higher earner" days should be over but a lot of men, myself included, would feel emasculated if the woman is the sole bread winner. Its in our DNA. The thought of having to ask for the odd dollars to go out for a drink with friends, cigarette monies, being unable to contribute to discussions of household finance .. bare shudders.
we black men must take ownership, regardless of what we face in the UK - the raw truth is that no one is gonna do it for us. I view it as the requisite kick up the back side to lift one's self and get busy and grind. hell! stack shelves in Tesco, sweep the streets - what are these two hands for anyway? It worked for a friend of mine who recently retrained and is now contributing to the household and lightening the burden.
Are we too hard our men?? I say no we're not hard enough and instead we over compensate and cover up their fuck ups all the time. Times have changed indeed but we havent stopped being loving or understanding infact I think women have gained a lot more tolerance of the man they love doesnt mean one should be a DOORMAT. Respect for the man considered the bread winner should be reciprocated, a woman who stays at home to be the carer of her children has a greater task at hand in these uncertain times we live in.
ReplyDeleteI think black men should stop with the damn excuses and grab the opportunities out there, equal maybe not in some instances so that has to be acknowlwdged. I was with an intelligent black man who had the same not even better prospects of speeding up the career ladder but shit happens he decided not to pull his weight I turned a blind eye to it and resulted in divorce.
He let me down but caused a greater injustice to himself I gave all the support and love any woman could have given yet wasnt enough, so I plough on with my life and career and that is percieved by the black man as a lack of understanding???!!then am loooost.
OK so in cases where the man has lost his job and the woman has to provide for the house hold.....is that not recognised as support?
Women have an equally tough time too career, taking a break to have children, holding the household together whilst still expected to perform in the bedroom, as a friend, advisor.....you know what I better stop cause this subject fuels a niggling part of me so I shall stop!!
It is a 'niggling' subject matter.
ReplyDeleteNo easy answers, and my feelings vary on the matter... more than I would like perhaps
Sometimes as a woman I feel you can't do right for doing wrong.
You support... you're a doormat.. you get tough.. you're a cow.
Ultimately each must take responsibility, and when a relationship works well it's because there is mutual understanding, respect and love. These things are often overlooked in favour of the more 'material' benefits a relationship can bring.. aka.. 'stuff'
The 'welfare benefits' lady Chrome spoke of bugs me a little.. that type of mentality does appear quite negative but then again, if the man had self respect, and equal respect for her, an agreement can be reached where both parties are supported and no one feels as though they are being taken for granted.
Still.. how a person communicates their needs and expectations is crucial...
If it's a case of .. 'get up you lazy worthless bastard!!'.. what the f*** can you do for me!?! then I don't think that will go down too well, and is hardly the way to speak to your partner/lover... (Unless in the throes of some kinky role play of course...still... I digress)
The 'what can you do for me ' mentality is hardly romantic, or loving in anyway... but it is a reality of the world we live in... the society, we live in.
I do wish we could go 'forward' to the drawing board and re-evaluate our values...
I'll say something that may be unpopular but I agree with what you said Chilled Leo, in that women.. and black women in particular... are often expected... or it's often demanded that they be 'perfect'... friend , lover,chef, baker, advisor , supporter, etc.. and oddly enough.. quite often they are!.. History has taught us to be very resourceful. Misunderstandings can be resolved, but it'll take the honestly and self evaluation of each person... as they say... one hand can't clap
I'm pretty sure it is in the DNA ( as Chrome mentioned) of most men to want to be the provider, head of the house, king of the castle so to speak... and when ( for whatever reason) they are not able to be.. it must have an impact.. and that frustration must go somewhere