Warning!!!
Anyone who reads my blog often,or has followed over the months may now realise that the Captains log usually contains something more personal or emotional than usual..
So.. cover your ears if needs be, but sometimes, I find that putting things on paper.. sending it into orbit.. helps me to make sense.. of the senseless...
Today was Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
and I'm not sure why.
It's not my hormones.. no I can rule that out.. so I'm searching for the answer to why, today, I wrestled with the devil.. and lost.
No. I'm not being honest. If I were being honest I would say I know exactly why I felt that way.. my frustration is not knowing what to do about it, not being sure about it..
I remember reading a book called the the value in the valley by Iyanla Vanzant, many many years ago.. all about managing the trials and tribulations of life. Apparently there is value to be found.. err..in the valley. I remember another, 'A course in miracles'.. good book.. need to read it again though.. you know..to be honest.. the list goes on..
Yet there are times when none of it matters.( odd statement to make on a blog which states the opposite!!) but there are times when miracles are scarce.. and there's very little value in the valley, as it's been drained dry!!
There are times when it's best to get out, and stay out of that valley or die trying.
My task now is to work out what matters... what really matters.. to me
Sometimes, I don't even like to think.. thinking should come with a caution sign.. but this is me... and it's what I do...!!
I have good days, and bad days.
In fact, I am, I think, living a parallel life.
Absolutely everything and nothing matters to me.. which could either be the truth or a lie. A lie told to myself to protect my other self... who possibly, couldn't give a shite anyway ..
I'm not materialistic but I miss having a car.
I'm not materialistic but i want to own several houses
I'm not materialistic but I want to be stinking rich.
and sure.. I can be happy without these things, but I'd prefer to be happy with them.
I know all that stuff's not the most important, but It's like chess.. and if you play chess you know you're more likely to win with certain pieces still in play, positioned correctly.. they give you options /choices/and control over the game
Funny..I felt closer 10years ago.. don't know why..
Already we're approaching the 10th anniversary of 9/11..
I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday, and know exactly what i was doing and what was happening in my life at that time. I smiled more.. i think:) size 8-10 roughly.. bit on the skinny side maybe
I really should be grateful. 9/11 devastated the lives of many people, and the war that followed is still raging today
Yet I'm a restless and wounded spirit today..and most days if I dig deep enough
I think maybe if I silence that voice.. which is possibly the voice of my true desires.. I should feel better tomorrow..
Only thing is, it's getting harder to suppress.. my parallel lives/parallel persons are beginning to merge.. and it's not an easy process.
Sometimes there are no words to express.. none that heal a particular pain, or lighten a particular darkness
It's ethereal, transient, moves like the sun, a wave.. you ride it, not fight it..
Next time i battle that dragon.. I'll win
I guess it matters right?
F*** it
I'm off to bedx
Dawna wow you have a pretty good set of lungs there OMG had my hands over my ears could hear that scream through the computer.....phew that bad huh don't worry I have them too..
ReplyDeletewow snap read in the valley by Iyanla Vanzant too great writer. At the time I was in my mid twenties and thought what is she chatting about, little did I know her words transgress and hold meaning for what lies ahead of you....trials and tribulations will always hold a weight of sand question becomes how do you keep a grip to ensure the grains don't seep through your fingers.
Life is certainly a mystery, we can only but ride the tidal waves there's no running and certainly no rock big enough to hide under.
For what it's worth whatever was bugging you I hope some sleep did your mind a world of good. You already halfed the weight by sharing.....
Keep smiling :)
I can see you're a screamer......sometimes that's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI haven't flown all year long and for some stupid reason I picked this week to fly clear across the country and back again. Maybe nothing will happen on this tenth anniversary. But now that I think about it, I wish I could have been flying next week instead.
Good morning- sometimes an early night works a treat
ReplyDelete@Chilled Leo - no running and no rocks..i'm smiling
@Reggie - you think so?.. maybe.. although most times i'm too wounded to say a word.. but yes better out than in...sometimes
I didn't consider anyone who had to fly at this time. sorry.. I hear you though. It'll be okay, 'we do what we do, often in the face of adversity'.. should be the motto of the courageous
Have a great trip
good afternoon me lady, hope the load is more manageable today.
ReplyDeletewhat matters to one is not always clear, and though you can quantify some like material stuff, others lie in the realm of the deep spirit. its like you'll know it matters when it happens, the only preparation being to maintain a clear frame of mind to recognise it as such. You know those moments of epiphany that get you screaming "damn! that's my mental state right there!". I have it all the time, wishing some would just pass me by
Its a constant struggle and some issues defy description, one can only but live in the sight of God's memories
Mama never said there will be days like this
Good evening Chrome:)
ReplyDeleteYes.. the load today was by far more managable..
thank you..
and thank you for your words and insight.. 'others lie in the realm of the deep spirit'..very true..
I appreciate all your comments.. all of which have given me food for thought, strength and comfort:)
ReplyDeleteEach 1 teach 1 they say!!
I am one of lifes students
I guess at some stage we can all be both students.. and teachers of life