You've got mail

On the news today it was stated that 1 in 4 people are afraid to, and do not open their bank statements.
I can relate. I didn't open mine for four years, in fact... I only began to open them recently.

Why didn't I open them?
Quite frankly I just got pissed off.
I got pissed off because my bank seemed to feel the need to write me and charge me for ‘their pleasure’, for very minor things.
I got pissed off as I could see what was going out and coming in was arse about face.
I decided I didn’t want any distractions to me achieving what I wanted to, and the bank were becoming a very big and unwelcome distraction.

Then, slowly... it became the elephant in the room.

The freedom and power I initially felt of not opening one letter, spread to all letters... and believe me when I say I-didn't –open- any- letters.
Sadly, what began as freedom begun to feel like a noose around my neck.
I confronted that demon a few weeks back now. It wasn't easy.
But I'm glad I did.
Someone had (what felt like) 'a go at me', made me cry, couldn't sleep.. and I felt that I was somehow letting my mum and family down.. After all.. I was always the one most likely to succeed... at everything.
No pressure.. just how it's been.
It was confusing for me and made little sense, as I've always felt incredibly rich.

Anyway, I got angry with myself, got tough with myself, as my ego doesn't like the feeling of being looked down upon, especially when it knows it is capable of, and worth, so much more.
I called a friend who said if I needed her help she’d come over. Knowing that support was available should I need it, was a comfort, yet it turned out I didn’t need it. I woke up the following day, got the pile of letters and began to open them.. one- by- one. it felt great
Most were reminders, insurances expiring, statements, new cards random everyday things.
Nothing..ness.
Somehow, I was cradling a fear that I would open a letter and my world would fall apart. That I would owe the bank millions, and bring shame upon my family.
My creative mind again...got the better of me.

I really needn't have worried.
To hear that 1 in 4 people may actually feel, or be going through what I went through reminds me that we are not that different in many ways.
We fear losing our possessions
We fear shame
We panic, over paying the bills, or making the money stretch to cover everything.
We worry.
We fret over the unknown
and shame and expectation heightens our fear.

In truth, we really needn’t worry, as the worry is always worse than the reality.

A friend of mine has decided to throw away 2 items( possessions) every week.
Yesterday she spoke of the attachment she had formed to being head of operations, and how she began to lose herself to the status of the role, and the income it brought with it.
Having purchased several homes, one is being repossessed. Whilst others may freak out over such a thing, she is as calm as you like. In fact, happy to see it go. It’s one less thing to worry about, and in fact, we tend to only live in one house at a time.
Other homes we hope, may generate an income. Provide for us in our old age.. should we ever get there... and should the stress and cultivated misery not kill us first:)
But... that’s not what makes us happy.

I was happiest when I didn't even have a place to live. I was optimistic, hopeful bright eyed and bushy tailed. I was doing things that I loved. I felt I had everything, and more to come.
You see what often occurs is that others project their expectations onto us.
Yet if we asked ourselves what would truly make us happy, if there were no shame attached, if we felt we couldn't let anyone down... and we wouldn't be seen as a failure...We may be surprised with the answer.

Happy Monday x

*disclaimer - this post isn't entirely accurate. I did open anything that began with the words; To the parent or guardian of.... oh and birthday cards.. you know.. important stuff