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Thursday, 29 May 2014

Where to now for Dawna

The past two days have been okay.
The past two days have been awful.
Both statements, are true.


When I came home today, I felt a wave of emotion, I was deeply upset and equally disgusted.
Then I got a phone call, got wrapped up in that, and somehow.. calmed down.

When I sit down to reflect, a few things are clear to me.
What's clear to me ( if no-one else) is that I have a right to live, to be happy, to be treated with respect and kindness just as any other.
What's clear to me is that I cannot abide being treated any less than how I feel I deserve to be treated.( which is Well)
It's actually soul destroying..and I'm not exaggerating.
It saddens me deeply.

But that leads me to this point
any breach in the above expected standard renders me the right to respond accordingly.
I have a right to feel upset, feel anger, protect my self or my family, and the right to say no..
I am long past expecting anyone outside of my family, to stand by my side in support of me. Believe me..that ship sailed long ago.

**

"I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me".

-Maya Angelou-


**

In fact. [thankfully I'm not in court] I don't need it.
I will defend myself until I take my last breath.
In truth.. I hate cowards. ( and I'm not talking about the Liberal.. 'err, when is a coup not a coup.. who's Vince again' Democrats)

Yes, this evening (like my darling Vince) I'm a little conflicted.
Where to now for Dawna.

Do you know..that if you hurt me, I will struggle to forgive you?. I find it difficult to believe that anyone willing to willfully cause pain, can be sincere in any latter apology.
But I do forgive.. at least I try to
At least I thought I did.
Now, I'm beginning to wonder if what really happens is that I become distracted, and simply forget
..Forgetting, is not forgiving.
I have struggled in the past because I care. and In truth I need to learn or re-learn, how to care less.
.
Well..Perhaps.
Do I really want to be that person?
No.

I know that forgiveness is much talked about,it's a popular term. it implies it's bearers possess maturity, class, a higher spiritual nature.. dignity, but.. what does it mean exactly?.. and why do we rarely equate forgiveness.. with honesty?.
Perhaps a more realistic statement would be.. 'I have little choice but to let it go this time.. until the next.. or.. It's very difficult.. I want to.. but ( I seek not canonization ) it may take time'

That being said, I'm also aware that I can't go through my life being disappointed with people.
I need to remember that people will protect themselves, friends or family first and foremost no matter what.
We all have an Agenda, be it honourable , or dis-honourable.

So what of love?
Apparently you can't forgive without it.
I don't know if that's true

**

"You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'"
-Maya Angelo-

**

I'm not sure I have that in me right now Maya.

My mother has always been a person to turn the other cheek... my father was less so
In fact no. he was the opposite.

I reside somewhere between the two.



I hate bullshit.



Ironically, on the crappiest day of the year so far, I have some kind of date looming.
After chatting to Sierra Leone a few times, we are due to meet up, to talk some more.
I get along well with men born in September. Virgos and Libras, so.. one part of me is looking forward to it.
He comes across as enough calm for my fire right now.. which is nice. A Virgo guy. i'll see.
I guess it's the upside of what was.. in parts anyway.. a bit of a low day.

Nevertheless.. the fact that I can talk about it (abit), must mean I'm starting to feel better.
Sadness often renders me speechless.

So...

If we're lucky Maya.. we grow up



If we're lucky, we become the people we were born to become




If we're brave enough.. like you were, we try to stay true to who we are



In the knowledge that we don't need everyone to love us.. but we truly need to love


and despite our folly, somehow.. we tend to recieve more, than we may even deserve

RIP Maya - April 4, 1928 - May 28th 2014






8 comments:

  1. Hugs to you, Dawna. Listening to our hearts and trusting what they tell us are the hardest things we can do but the most necessary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Debra.
      I needed a hug x
      I will try and do both

      Delete
  2. I love this entry. I hate bullshit too. I shed a few tears yesterday.

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    Replies
    1. i hear you Alieux.
      have a nice day

      Delete
  3. Maya Angelou was such a truly beautiful soul who will be missed...

    I hope the date goes well!!

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  4. Yes, i agree ...
    oh, and thank you. yes i'll go ..see what's what

    ReplyDelete
  5. Maya Angelou is another sad loss. I'm not a book reader, but I think I want to read "I know why the caged bird sings".

    Hope things are looking up for you now.

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    Replies
    1. I do believe that's the only book I have read, or at least.. remember reading... hope you get to read it

      Thanks Joe, and yes, I'm working on it

      Delete