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Tuesday, 23 July 2013

We don't know it all..the blank page..

Is no longer blank...

Low self-esteem is like happiness for me, it comes and goes.

Today it's neither high nor low... rather...floundering a little.. yes.. that may be one way to describe the current malaise.

I’ve definitely had a slight feeling of unease today but I can’t quite put my finger on why. You’d think that as one got older things would become clearer, but that’s not always the case. There comes a point where I feel the need to assess where I am in life, measure my happiness and contentment quota, and re-evaluate. New lessons, new challenges, yet hopefully enough tools in the experience tool box to deal with things.

So on days like this I wonder, should I be concerned on low days?, or just accept them in the knowledge that ‘this too shall pass?
I know that contentment does not reside outside of myself, but is best sought after and possibly attained by being introspective.
What really makes me tick?

I wonder if having been on full throttle for years, doing this and that, has rendered me fearful of any other gear. But things are changing, children are older, as am I, and it’s okay to change gear.. the question for me is... do I want to?
If I’m honest, I would say that there are times when I feel I haven’t done as much or achieved as much as I set out to. That makes me question why, yet answers evade me.
In truth, I’ve experienced and achieved a great deal over the years so should never devalue that.. it annoys me that I do at times, without even realizing it.
I wonder if I’m measuring my achievements by what others have expected of me, but in truth I know it’s me... judging myself on what I’ve always expected of, and for, myself
I know that happiness can be found in contentment, so I should aim to feel content... to accept where I am right now, and not project an unknown, and indefinite future onto the present day… yet we are told.. and told often, that 'a failure to plan... is a plan to fail'.

"Life is what happens when you're busy making plans"

Yes, I have plans, what I need to enact perhaps…is patience.
Patience can feel like a procrastinators job lot of gold… but it truly is a virtue, and faith?… faith is the absolute confidence.. in universal law/s.

So where does the low self-esteem come from, and why does it appear then disappear like Houdini?
I was once told
“No one has the ability to squander a talent quite like you”
Who told me that?
To be honest, I’m not sure… oddly I think perhaps... I did.
My inner voice.
I have a feeling that my inner voice picked up over the years, the thoughts and expressions of some, embraced them, and then decided to torment me with the statement ever since. Not every day, but on occasions.
There are days I’m absolutely sure of what my talents are, and days when I’m not so sure.
I could seek guidance, but the bottom line is, no one can do the things that I must do for myself.
Only I … reside in my skin.. feel what I feel.. and hear what I hear.. the way that I hear it

I believe that our lives are most rewarding when we are of service to others. A selfish life seems un-fulfilling.

However, I sought the wisdom of others this evening, and read an article which asked its readers to reflect on the statement…
"It’s not all about you.."
So I did.
Sorted.

**

Today many Rastas celebrate H.I.M Emperor Haile Selassie's birthday
This day is also my dads anniversary. 12 years gone.

Time goes by quickly.. some things appear unchanged whilst other things change forever


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