It’s been a really long week and as a result I’m quite tired... 'over tired' you could say, to the point that I can’t sleep at night, yet still, i'm full of energy and wired enough to stay awake... (How odd)
Yesterday was my mum’s birthday.
I didn’t ask her how old she is. I know she’s 70 something... it’s either three, four or five.
By the time I got to my mum’s house her friends were beginning to leave.
I watched as my mum finally sat down to eat her own dinner, and wondered why she always did that.
Leave herself to last...
My mum has been working for others ever since she was a little girl, and I wonder ...if she has ever really truly known happiness.
Sure maybe she's had fleeting feelings of joy but I mean true happiness...not duty...not necessity... but happiness.
Somehow I think not... at least if she has... she’s kept it well hidden.
Mum has worked very hard... and sometimes I think... too hard.. why ?... for what?...does anyone really care?...and that’s not fair
So now...of all the things to desire...(of which there are many) I think I desire happiness most
There can certain selfishness in happiness though
Still, I love to be happy. I try to do things that make me feel good, be around others (from time to time) who bring me joy. My new dress for example... that made me happy ( even if it was temporary.. well...until I wear it!) Receiving a nice gesture makes me happy... to be honest simple things work for me.
But, unhappiness tags along like a bad smell sometimes, for how happy can you really be if you know your family or a family member or friend is upset or hurt, or.... you hear of some terrible event that has destroyed someone else’s life in a second?
You can’t be can you?
That stuff calls for empathy... yet the pain you feel on their behalf is real
I know happiness has it’s time and place...like everything else.
But when I look back at my life... I would like to feel content in the knowledge that ... I was truly happy...
Makes me feel sad that I can’t make my mum happy, even though she wants for very little.
She's never been the green eyed ‘wanty wanty’ type of woman.. and to be honest has been a great role model as a women in many ways. But shit. In the grand scheme of things.. who cares?...Life really aint fair is it?