Friday, 30 March 2012

The 1st day... of the rest of my life..

Every day presents us with an opportunity for personal growth. Situations or challenges that force us to look within ourselves and make a change... to challenge our assumptions, biases, idealism's... and root us from spiritual stagnation. Sometimes we choose it. Other times... it’s chosen for us...and we're dragged kicking and screaming into the face of change.
It can be a painful thing.

About 10years ago I bought a book called; A Course in Miracles (Foundation for Inner Peace). It was at a time when I was discovering myself, and through reading other books, I came across what I knew... would hold serious lessons for me.
I never read it.
I scanned it. I recognised it’s value and vowed that I would commit myself to the book in earnest. I felt I had stumbled upon something great. .. yet... I couldn’t read it.
I guess it wasn't my time.
Today... I took the book off the shelf.
Now... I am ready.
You see I am tired. Tired of experiencing bouts of happiness punctuated with bouts of unhappiness, depression, then back to joy.
I recognise the happiness I seek, can only be found in me.
It is not tied up in the actions of another. It cannot be created by another. It lives within me.
I realise that the only way for me to experience the kind of joy I have sought for so long is to learn the lessons that life has been trying so long to teach me.

I need to let go of the childish need to control things, people, or situations.
I need to recognise what is real and what isn’t. I need to recognise that I too have been brainwashed over time to believe in an image or concept of love that isn’t real.
Concepts perpetuated through the media, and belief systems on mass.
I know that without this knowledge, and self discovery, I will never experience real love.
I know that I am loved. Yet often I fail to recognise it.
Because it hasn’t always done and said what I want, when I want.
That is not love.
I’m fortunate to have the job that I have, as through my interactions with others I learn a great deal.
They tell me about their personal struggles, and I marvel at their strength and wisdom in overcoming them.
They come to me for help... yet I should thank them every day for helping me.

I have long felt that I’m not what many would call a 'conventional girl'. I’ve always felt a little odd and that’s okay.
Yet I have also come to realise that despite knowing that, I have fought against it, trying fervently to cultivate a conventional life.
Trying to short cut my way through life by not having the respect for my own calling, and committing myself to my path... my journey.. my life.
The longer I continue to deny or avoid who I am, the longer confusion, pain, and that feeling of insecurity and un-surety shall remain.

It’s hypocritical of me to desire any companion with qualities that I lack, only partially have, or have not fully commited to.
I must be those things which I seek
I must be who I am.
Often not getting what we want when we want it. Is getting what we need... when we need it.
I realise that today more than ever.

I now have a few weeks of much needed time off.
This is a time for me to reflect, study, pray, enjoy learning, enjoy life.. moment by moment
To enjoy the company of others when it’s there, and enjoy solitude when it’s not.
It’s been a tough few days
But I guess I’m finally discovering Dawna

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