The challenges of life

This is quite a personal post, but sometimes it helps me to write things down.
It's possibly what I do best.
or not.
So this post simply comes under the banner of... life

Since my brother died, my other brother (who is a few years older than me) has really stepped up to the plate with regards to staying at my mums, sorting things at my brothers flat, and clearing her place.

Anyway, yesterday.. I got a call from my sister to tell me he had been rushed to the hospital with a suspected heart attack
It floored me.

I couldn't go.. and didn't.
It's unlike me, but I really didn't feel strong enough this time.
The update is he is stable, doing better and remains in hospital
I cant imagine what last night was like for my mum.

We are not having a great time.

I'm struggling a bit emotionally.
My closest friend came over and sat with me playing a 'saxon sound clash' tape until I fell asleep.
She understands that I just lost the brother I've been closest to all my life.. my ally.. and now... this...
J...the other brother who I am also really close to.

we've always been close because he is just the funniest person I know and makes me laugh.
He's also very loving.

I'm not dealing very well with these challenges but I'm trying my best to be strong and solider on.
But there are times when I just need to cry, and be held.
To add to it , I couldn't get Mr K on the phone ( but that's another story)

Yesterday .. I explained to my friend that I felt really exposed, a bit scared, and unprotected.
I guess I shouldn't say that

There's always god..
..and Freddie Mcgregor

This was one of the songs on the tape.
An old favourite of mine..

Sing Freddie.... we love you.. and thanks

Good morning x