Now I know I need to change, do better, be better.
I've spent many years taking my gifts and abilities for granted, not sure why but on reflection I think it's when things come naturally to us, rather.. to me , we ( I ) often don't notice them.
For us.. it's a normal everyday thing
Until you meet someone for whom it's not.
There are things I've been aware of for some time. I know for example that I feel at my best when I I'm able to make a positive contribution, as I care deeply, about many things, therefore to hold back on those passions causes me to feel anxious, uneasy, unaligned. ( A Librans worst nightmare!)
I also know that I need to engage in creative endeavours. I'm at home there.
I could go on, to talk about love and music, people... but my main observation, is that I simply haven't done enough, of what makes me tick.
I've put things down, pushed things aside, neglected some things, and simply ignored others
Been a bit of a wanderer, and not acted purposefully enough.
When I act with purpose (on purpose) things do change, when I adopt a laissez-faire attitude things feel less meaningful, less colourful, and less fulfilling.
Ive been lazy.
Sure I worked hard, I've studied, and I've done and achieved many things, but if I weigh what I've done against my own abilities or self expectations, they are a small fraction of what I'm capable of
We are all capable of great things, and there are many reasons why we often don't do them
I've had bouts of anxiety throughout the year, which in the grander scale isn't uncommon, but it can be debilitating or even, disheartening.
We are gloriously and fearfully made, not made to be fearful
This year has been a year of refection in many ways. At the end of the month I will be 50. That's a big number for a small girl right?, but I know, more than anything, despite messing up here and there, along the way, getting things wrong etc, I have also got some things right.
So I will avoid the tendency to beat up on myself for being human and just accept responsibility for my mistakes, as I move forward in a positive way.
I'm not necesarily where I wanted to be, or even expected to be at this point, but can't complain, as I've not pursued purposefully, enough.
I've overthought things, turned left and right gone up and down, like a waving arrow, but even a wavering arrow can hit the target with enough momentum.
Yes, a wavering arrow with moment and force becomes straighter at the approach.
I feel young for my age, yet I've come to embrace the beauty in that, and in my naievity.
I'm learning to be content with my looks and who I'm becoming.
More work is required in managing my emotions, and my thoughts!, in the knowledge that our thoughts shape our world
Our thoughts are our powers... our superpowers.
Collective thought shapes families, communities, nations.
My physical library tells a story of my parts of my life journey..of where I've been. Less required is the physical as we can read so much online, but there's a special feeling I get when holding a book.
*parts of my 'library'
Here's an interesting ( or uninteresting) note
Other than the fact that Walter Mosely is one of my favourite writers....
It's taken me 49 years to stop biting my nails. It's a bad habit which I now recognise as something I do when anxious. I'm less anxious, and hey presto, no nail biting!.
So my aim is to tackle vices/bad habits and re-embrace those that are good.
This week in the run up to my birthday week, I end one job, to begin another. It feels right... like that wavering arrow straightening out.
So ironically as I move forward I also need to head back, press re-set perhaps.
My intention is to be a blessing wherever I go, but more importantly , to be happy, balanced, and in alignment with my truer self. For when I am, my light shines brighter, and the strength of my love, for myself and others, is more evident.
Anyway, although old, this video is a gem
It's taken me two days to get through it , but I recommend watching. Jim Rohn on Personal Development.