I can't sleep...

I'm trying to be okay but it's really hard, and every so often it catches up with me. We have so much to do, clear my brothers place ( we haven't got the keys yet) , funeral. Some things we can't do until we get the certificates. So we wait.
Me as a writer I'm trying to write my brothers eulogy but can't get past the first line. His name , date of birth, son of...
What kind of writer is that
In addition to dealing with all this, there's a lot of talk about who did him wrong from who didn't. Most is external, but I want none of it to be honest. I'm upset enough. It's done, over.
I don't want to hear any more.

I don't think people realize it's my brother. I've known him all my life, and he's been a big part of my life.
Over the past 6 years when I went back to study, we'd still talk about music and stuff, he knew what I was studying, and leant me books for my Masters dissertation.

The worst thing is seeing my mum so grief stricken. I've never seen her look this way before.
When my dad died it was kinda expected ish, as he had been ill awhile.
She was sad, but she didn't look like this
This has come like a bolt out of the blue and hit my mum so hard.
I looked at her today as we sat awaiting some information.
It's too much.

Not just my mum, my brothers too.
But my mum has lost her 1st born son

Every so often we snap at each other...me and my mum. There's something about me that grates on her at times. Mum used to say I was a bit like my bro so maybe that's why. My brother in law says it's because we both have strong characters so we clash at times
I love my mum though, and I can't imagine how she feels so I need to take the flack if needs be
Yet when I mentioned my brothers eulogy my mum immediately said.. 'you can do it'.
That's a really huge honour my mum has bestowed. It was almost like a 'no brainer'
I'll write it, but not sure if I'll read it
She's so upset she hasn't cried yet not in public anyway.
Neither have I.
I'm so sad at the moment.
I need a hug and for everything to be okay.
.. but its not .
Not yet anyway

Sorry this post is so down
I hope you can understand
Oddly enough, I always knew July would be a tough month. Little did I know just how tough